The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
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I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
never forget
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual