Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself