The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson