@Parkerlawyer: The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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@dumbbeezie: I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
@chrisanna4real: My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I'm not drink. Drank. Drunk.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"
@Reverend_Scott: REALTOR: You'll LOVE this home- ME: My dog doesn't like it. REALTOR: But I- ME: [holding dog in realtor's face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU