The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I don’t hate children, just yours.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.