7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
You Might Also Like
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume