So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
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*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.