The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.