@Mr_Kapowski: The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers
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@Kennycruzin: When one squirrel says "I like to eat nuts", there is probably always another squirrel who says "that's what she said."
@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i’m so mad at you. HER: i’m naked come over. ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
@plumbur: If you start a conversation with "you're gonna say I'm crazy" there's nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.