The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
White Castle for the Win
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.