The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
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[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries