The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
It鈥檚 adorable how breakfast assumes we鈥檙e all able to fast.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep 鉁旓笍
My brain is a bad influence on me
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
what kind of cook setting is this??
6: you鈥檒l always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you鈥檒l always be my baby!
6: what if you鈥檙e dead
me: wtf
I鈥檝e lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he鈥檚 a bit old and deaf, so if you鈥檙e in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 馃槀
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I鈥檓 just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he鈥檚 eating the onion rings i just paid for
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he鈥檚 just eating those like Pac-Man
馃檨
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.