The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.