The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.