@WineMummy: The only reason I'm on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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@CerebralWreck: Lawyer: why do you want a divorce? Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly. Me: it's not my cup of shoes, Linda!
@Your_Boy_Dylan: How did girls text before emojis? Hey I can't wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
@KalvinMacleod: DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
@comedianluke: If he can't build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it's a Road Runner cartoon.