The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
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Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
The Compass