The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Choose your fighter
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.