The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Blew my mind.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
What a chick magnet..