@iGreenMonk: The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.
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@GingerGander: A new study says vegetarians die younger than smokers, on average, so don't smoke your vegetables...
@tastefactory: Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back. Satan: WHAT
@DiabeetusNurse: This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
@Underchilde: Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.