“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
You Might Also Like
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
incredible book dedication
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.