[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Confused owl: What?!
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church