I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.