@Parentpains: The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He's Hulk Hogan, I'm The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.
@1Happytwit: Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.
@dire_beard: If a child's survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child's funeral.
@runningmascara6: I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile, then walk into a pole..