A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
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Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
“no gods no masters” = leo
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
the council will decide your fate
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running