*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.