The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I want this so bad
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’