The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
consequences, the bane of my existence
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.