the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that