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@tsm560: The only thing I arouse is suspicion.
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he's gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
@kissmeimkinky: I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
@joejwest: COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
@JohnLyonTweets: "I stalk people you've probably never heard of" -hipster stalker
@deviledlegs: The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop.