@TheCatWhisprer: The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
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@LoriLuvsShoes: A man in the car beside me had his arm out the window and I was admiring his sleeve tattoo until I realized it was only excessive arm hair
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what are your future plans? Me: lunch Interviewer: I meant long term plans Me: what, like dinner?
@lecalabara: Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
@thenatewolf: GOD: Make humans super super awake when it's time to go to bed, and super super tired when it's time to wake up. GOD'S ASSISTANT: Did you... Did you mean that the other way around? GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.