The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
You Might Also Like
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Sniffing the broccoli
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.