The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
You Might Also Like
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS