The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
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My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.