@thisalexstein: The only thing I've ever made from scratch was dandruff.
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@HiddenPinky: Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt: "You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?" Kid: Nevermind "Yeah, me, too."
@Ilovelamp1979: I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
@Jason_Horton: People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don't know anything about it