The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Chemical wingman
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.