The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
ibopfufen
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Meanwhile in Canada…
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.