Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.