The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.