@WilliamAder: The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
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@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*
@Tylerosis: What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we're not around?
@huntigula: [at aquarium] "Kids, the blowfish is named bc of its cheeks" BLOWFISH: [taps glass] actually that's a common misconception, got any cocaine?
@hbreaker9999: My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.