The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
mathematically impossible
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Rather alarming headline…
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why