The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
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I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Dear Lord..
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
no one ever comes back
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.