Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.