i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
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The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”