The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
How can I say no to this ?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!