@FinallyHeSleeps: The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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@Brampersandon_: GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes! ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
@shutupmikeginn: The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
@Bluestmoon_: 78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don't notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.
@eddiesteadyno: [Mon] Boss: Let's talk about your clothes Adam: But it's my best leaf B: You need officewear A: Understood [Tues] B: Is that a sticky note?