[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.