11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together