Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
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9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
lost dog
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”