“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please