“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…