Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Just got to our Airbnb!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.