Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
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In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’M CRYINGGG
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.