@QwertyJones3: The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
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@Tmoney68: [Sloth Job Interview] Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself? *2 hours later* Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
@SveldtSmelt: Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don't know where to start and I always end up screaming.
@lloydrang: Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
@hoedeehoe: Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit