The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
You Might Also Like
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…