It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Who needs an Air Fryer?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
This is a whole mood;
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.