The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!